When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
