Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
