I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
