I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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