I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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