idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
