There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
