So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Randomize
