Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
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