i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
