she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Threesome in a minivan. New low
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
