i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
