I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Randomize
