no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
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