Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
