Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
