We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
