Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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