Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
