I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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