I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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