Life is so much better after having sex.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Randomize
