At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Two words: nipple clamps
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