Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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