true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
