So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
