just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
