i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I didn't notice because vodka
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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