I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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