i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
