How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
