Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
