I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
