it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
