We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He shit in the fireplace
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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