I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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