My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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