A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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