i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
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