i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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