I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
