U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
