Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
