I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize