whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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