well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Send help, water and tortillas.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
