I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
