Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
