hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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