I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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