i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
